TRUSTSHIP: Building Stormproof Relationships

In fair weather, even a weak ship can sail well. During a storm, both ship and captain are tested. While our financial markets are buffeted by extreme winds, many families of wealth are experiencing high levels of anxiety as the integrity of their financial plans are tried by trouble. Decisions are being made to course correct real or perceived weaknesses.

What relational factor has the greatest influence on these decisions? Trust. Families make decisions based on the level of trust established with their advisors. Trustship is the tangible experience of firm and flexible relationships that do not break in crisis, confusion or mistakes. To help steer families out of anxious waters, advisors must purposefully manage trust. Seizing this financial crisis as an opportunity, successful advisors can repair troubled relationships, strengthen existing relationships and gain new clients.

ABOUT ANXIETY:
In order to practice trust, it is important to understand anxiety. Anxiety is a combination of specific emotions: fear, helplessness, and anger. Add to that an undercurrent of speed. When anxious, a person or family system feels an urgent pressure to fix or change whatever they perceive is making them upset. Left unmanaged, this anxiety sabotages plans and relationships. During a financial crisis, people often move into a reactive mode -- making speedy decisions to stop the leak. Quick decision-making is risky. When in a reactive mode we often treat symptoms and completely miss the root cause.

However, anxiety has uses. Just as a foghorn attempts to warn a ship of danger, anxiety points to vulnerabilities and tells the brain a situation or person is unsafe or untrustworthy. Our current financial anxiety points to the weaknesses underlying the market, and in many cases, the lack of trust we feel in our financial systems and relationships. Our challenge is to respond to anxiety as a warning signal and aim the ship more wisely.

What can the advisor do?
Since anxiety is a collection of emotions triggered by speed, the advisor needs to slow down the communication and then separate the emotional signals. To be specific; the advisor needs to set aside time to lead the client or family into conversations that build, maintain and/or repair trust. The advisor can facilitate the session if they are talented in trust building. If not, the advisor should collaborate with a skilled trust facilitator.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP:
An experienced captain holds the trust of his or her crew because of three factors: reputation, integrity and relationship. Reputation consists of the stories told about the captain more than the stories told by the captain. Integrity is the consistency between what the captain says and what he or she actually does. Relationship is the experience of being specifically noticed and cared for as a unique individual.

Of these three factors, relationship is the strongest force for trust yet trust is often confused with credibility. The advisor or family member(s) assume that trust should be given based on education, awards, firm or family affiliations. This definition of trust is too narrow. When crisis hits, credibility does not make a good life vest. Crisis collapses credibility and awakens a sense of betrayal. When people are in trouble they reach out to trusted relationships.

What can the advisor do?
Trust is built daily and fortified through crisis. The trustworthy advisor practices practical and consistent behaviors. In every client interaction, the advisor must run a thorough check of the Trustship. Am I current with my client? Is the family current with each other? Have there been any changes? Any losses? Any conflicts? Am I bored? Are they bored? During times of crisis, the advisor remains calm and on-defensive. Steering the family out of anxiety toward opportunity by listening carefully with curiosity. Are the stated values actually the true values or a mask? Who is my client, really? What does the family want, really?

ABOUT TRUST:
The idea of trust is immediately associated with relationship. Trust happens between two individuals or between and among the members in a group. Though this idea is absolutely true, there can be confusion about placement that undermines all attempts at building trust. Often, individuals place the burden of trust on the person or person's outside of them. In other words, we WAIT for the other person to establish trust. Arms crossed and cautious, the inner attitude is one of trial. Are THEY trustworthy?

In reality, trust is created within an individual. Placing trust inside, rather than outside, awakens confident energy. Arms relaxed and free, the inner attitude is one of curiosity. How can I be trustworthy? What can I improve in my listening skills? What adjustments can I make in my agenda to more effectively meet my client's needs? What are their needs anyway? Do they state them clearly or are they holding back? When's the last time I stepped out from behind the desk to be honestly personal?

When we focus on trust as a responsibility rather than a right, we exponentially increase our capacity to create working relationships that survive mistakes and crises. Over time, consistent trust behaviors create an invisible bond. This bond is trust equity. Every trust behavior pays into the account. When trouble comes an abundance of trust gives resilience to a relationship threatened by anxiety.

In our ship analogy, waiting for trust is like a ship captain “hoping” for good weather. Can the captain control the weather? No. Hoping is external and passive. Instead, the trustworthy captain consistently guides the crew to maintain the ship in top condition. The captain is active and prepared. When the storm comes, the ship is ready.

What can the advisor do?
In a culture devoted to independence, the notion of trust chronically falls to the bottom of our priority list. We are aimed toward success, productivity and self-reliance. Yet, do you hear the foghorn? This financial crisis, this shared state of anxiety, requires trust to be reprioritized in every interaction. How? Building trust consists of behaviors that soothe fear, increase collaboration, quiet anger and establish patience. In other words, the portal to trust is empathy.

ABOUT EMPATHY:
Like the concept of trust, we all have a degree of familiarity with empathy. Empathy is the capacity to walk in the other person's shoes. We understand the idea intellectually, but the actual practice of empathy feels uncomfortable and therefore gets labeled as a “soft skill.” Judging empathy as a touchy feely behavior pushes the skill down and keeps trust in short supply.

The first empathy behavior is to SLOW the interaction down. Since anxiety is fueled by speed, an advisor must listen without urgency. The second empathy behavior is to temporarily put the agenda aside and pay specific attention to the emotional energy in the conversation. The realm of emotion is often thought to be chaotic, but in truth, an empathy interaction actually follows a very reliable and predictable order.

1. The listener decides to pay attention to emotion

2. The listener asks questions and exhibits patience

3. The listener confirms understanding

4. The listener communicates respect

Sometimes the emotion in the room is very simple and the empathy interaction goes swiftly. For example, the client (or family) is happy and eager to get to work. Instead of jumping into the task, the advisor takes a moment to be patiently curious. Is it general happiness or has something specific happened to boost the spirit? This interaction usually concludes with an honest smile from the client. It is easy to undervalue this positive exchange and skip directly to the work. However, the time taken to acknowledge the true emotional energy builds relationship. The client feels genuinely cared about and will be more open and forthcoming in the meeting.

Sometimes the emotion in the room is difficult and sabotages the planning agenda. Does the client feel resistant? Are they indecisive? Complaining? Are they arguing a point that you thought was settled? In this circumstance, the advisor must switch focus and move the client into an empathy interaction. Would a ship captain ignore a leak in order to stick to his daily routine? No. The wise advisor will name the energy in the room, adjust or table the planning agenda, and attend to the confusion with skilled empathy questions.

Like any skill, empathy behavior gets easier with practice. The advisor and client become familiar with the routine as trust equity builds. The ironic bonus to patient empathy behaviors is the added speed it brings to planning. Taking the time to address the emotional energy keeps the conversational content out in the open. This prevents unspoken objections or confusions from becoming intractable problems later down the road. The return to the planning agenda is enhanced because the advisor and client clear priorities during the empathy exchange.

What can the advisor do?
First the advisor will need to make an inner agreement that attending to trust will benefit his/her practice. If the attempt to practice empathy is not grounded in honest intentions, the client (or family) will feel manipulated.

Second, the advisor builds a repertoire of questions that enhance empathy. Some of these questions are interior queries the advisor asks her/himself in order to refine their ability to focus on another person.

Here are some questions to ponder as you prepare your empathy skills:
Do I recognize the emotion my client is currently conveying to me? Is the emotion quiet or strong? Are they disappointed, frustrated, excited, numb, sad, confused, etc? What questions can I ask to invite them to describe their reality more completely? How can I communicate I understand what they have told me? Am I truly paying attention? Do I feel impatient and want to hurry the conversation? How can I slow my own reactions down and keep my focus on my client? Do I want to jump in and “fix” their feelings? How can I remind myself I am building trust and therefore my goal is to “understand” rather than to “fix?”

Here are some specific words to begin questions when you are with a client:

"Can you tell me more about that?"

"What has this been like for you?"

"How has all of this made you feel?"

"Let me see if I've gotten this right ..."

"I want to make sure I understand what you've said ..."

"Sounds like you are ..."

"I imagine that must be ..."

"I can understand that must make you feel ..."

Remember, first and foremost, you must BE trustworthy in order to build trust equity. Pay attention to your own behaviors. Remind yourself of the following:

There are three stages in which to practice trust behaviors; establishing trust with your clients, building trust equity over time, and restoring trust during challenges.

4. Seek advice from colleagues who are skilled at empathy.

Building trust equity:

1. Decide not to get lazy about your empathy routine.

Restoring trust during challenges:

1. Begin empathy. Even if a client has left, the advisor can send a follow-up

THE BIG OPPORTUNITY:
The most effective and long-lasting advisor/client relationships are those that comprise a collaborative alliance or partnership. This dynamic comes about when there is a calm nonanxious presence guiding the conversations. In times of financial upheaval, the foghorn of anxiety announces itself boldly and provides the advisor with clear feedback about the state of trust in the collaborative partnership. How will you react? Will you feel anxious yourself? Or can you see this anxiety as an opportunity to grow your business?

The Captain of a ship maintains trust by taking daily and equal care of the ship and the crew. Yet, the true test of the Captain comes during storms and unpredictable trials. Think for a minute about the stories people tell. People “chat” about the regular routines of their day but they tell “stories” about the unusual events. Reputation building stories, stories of strong relationship, focus on the way in which a crisis or conflict drew people into a tighter bond. From this angle, any financial crisis can become an opportunity rather than an anxiety storm. The trustworthy advisor anticipates and actively pursues the information anxiety can reveal. Drawing a client or family into trust conversations can uncover undiscovered values and clarify underlying confusions. The greatest benefit to practicing empathy is the emotional intelligence gained. Every interaction improves insight and changes future behavior. This increase in self-knowledge and conversational ability leads to tangible improvements in every planning endeavor. Building more trustworthy relationships improves the quality of life for everyone involved. Perhaps this financial storm is a call to all our ships. New winds to boldly sail us from the age of information and productivity into an age of global trust.

Gary S. Shunk, LCSW
Wealth Psychology
garyshunk@sbcglobal.net